May 21, 2014

Void…

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:01 am by alextrg

Ever feel like as the days go by your just sinking deeper into some dark hole…

May 14, 2014

When the mind is idle…

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:28 am by alextrg

You start to ponder about things you shouldn’t.

It’s somewhat scary when you realize that if one day, you’ve caught some health threatening disease that is curable, but would decline any treatment, and just let nature take its course.

Seriously, I can’t find any real goal in life right now.

Actually ended up making pancakes for no apparent reason just so that my mind would stop wandering off.

May 9, 2014

Getting a grip of yourself.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:44 am by alextrg

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been somewhat quite emotional. Why am I like that? I wish I knew, and I wish people who aren’t would stop saying I shouldn’t be. 

In fact, I wish I was as calm and collected as everyone portrays themselves to be.

Whether or not it’s pretend, and they simply break down behind closed doors, who am I to judge them for telling me off.

Sis texted me this morning “A moment of thought on dad’s 75th bday.”

She also texted me on mom’s death anniversary.

She never did previously. Am not going to start doing 101 on her and find out why. 

Big sis has taken dads’ urn out from the memorial park, and dad is currently at big sis place. Am guessing she didn’t inform dad’s sis to avoid a confrontation.

Last night, I actually forgot that today is dad’s birthday, until my Google reminder beeped. Some bastard son I am. 

I did remember that is was coming, but somehow it slipped my mind yesterday.

He would be 75.

Bus ride this morning was probably awkward to the lady beside me as I was tearing up pretty much most of the way, fell asleep, and actually overshot my stop, which was the last stop, and the driver didn’t even notice(was somewhat not in his line of sight, no idea where the conductor went).

Right now, my tear ducts are dry. Literally.

Anyway, was watching Grey’s Anatomy, and it’s where Meredith decided to get her genome markers mapped so that she can find out if she has a risk of getting Alzheimer like her mom. And she does, which leads to her making future plans on what should be done the minute she forgets where she put her keys.

Somewhat makes me wonder about myself, would it be fair to those around me to keep me alive if I can’t even remember their names or who they are? Meredith plan was to receive a lethal dose of injection as she doesn’t want her daughter to go through what she went through. Is it selfish? I don’t know.

But if you follow what religion says, might as well right? Since all sickness is supposed to be cured. Wouldn’t that be a better option?

You know what’s ironic? If a person dies in a car crash, or natural causes, religious people always say ‘Oh God has plans’, but what if a person commits suicide? Is that also Gods’ plan? Or if a child is brutally murdered, some plan eh?

Then again, the argument of God works in mysterious ways. Yeah right.

I’m still not able to pull myself together completely. Things just feel like a mess inside. Day in day out, I just live life on now without a purpose or goal.  

Actually contemplating on giving my resignation letter, drop everything and just go somewhere secluded.

May 5, 2014

Avoiding reality

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:04 am by alextrg

2014 is one of those years where it’s going to be memorable in a way, and yet, somehow I wish it didn’t happen.

Has been a month since dad crossed over to the other side.

Have not had any emotional storms, but am somewhat more easily agitated by stupid little things. Could it be my subconscious holding things up? Who knows.

Downloaded Grey’s Anatomy and just finished re-watching season 1 of the series. It’s a bit awkward to see it all from the start again, the characters are just so ‘green’. Probably not the best TV show to watch considering I’m still grieving over my dad(If you haven’t watched the series before, patients do die in the show, quite common in 90% series that revolve around the lives of doctors).

Main character Meredith mum has advanced Alzheimer disease, and basically, when her mum found out, she didn’t want to let people know about it. So Meredith has been telling people that her mum was writing a book and travelling, when her mum was actually in a nursing home.

I never told people about my dads’ condition unless people asked about it. I never told my friends when my mum passed away. Neither did I tell my friends when my dad passed away. Only told one friend, and that was because her dad was in the same hospital as my dad when my dad was admitted, and ironically she was my last friend that saw my dad before he passed on.

I used to tell myself that being the youngest, I need to be prepared to take over caring for my mom/dad should anything happen to my two sisters. In a way, I would say it’s what any child would do for their parents. Although I will say it now that I have not really done much. Especially after my mum passed away, and my dads’ memory problem was already so bad that he doesn’t recognize me anymore, I felt helpless whenever I was around him. In the beginning, it was sometimes funny when you end up repeating the same thing again and again to him because he would forget what you said in a few minutes. Yet, he can still remember things from his younger days. ‘Experts’ or help books will say just be there for him, he will know. Did my dad ever know how much my mom still loved him even though he no longer could remember who she was? Nobody knows.

In Gray’s Anatomy, there was a scene where Meredith said ‘She doesn’t even recognize me anymore’, and the nursing home lady said ‘Well tonight she did, and she was asking where her daughter Meredith was’. Makes me wonder if my dad ever had that moment about myself and my sisters, or even my mom.

My last name is Theam, and only people to call me that was my mom and dad. I miss hearing that. Still remember my mum hugging me at the airport for one last time. Dad stopped calling me Theam ages ago, but I can still remember what it sounds like. And my last memory of my dad is holding his hand in the hospital, probably not knowing it was me.

I’ve literally cut myself off from friends, colleagues. If I could I would just crawl into a cave and never come out.

I avoid conversations that involve parents, or family, if possible.

I avoid situations where I might end up having to answer questions bout what happened. Or the common ‘Your not going back to your home town this year?’ crap. Still trying to come to terms that I officially do not have a permanent home anymore. The idea of going back to take a look at the house is lingering, but there is a fear that I’ll lose it.

With all these going on, doesn’t help with the fact that my big boss has resigned, and my immediate boss could follow suit. So, my personal life is currently in pretend mode somewhat, and I have a career that could flip 180 to who knows what.

Really just wonder what is the point of it all. Why do we work? Whats the point of it all? Everyday we wake up, do the usual, go to work, go back, sleep, repeat. Some would say ‘Oh cherish this that bla bla bla’, but if you don’t, or if you do, does it make a difference? The saying ‘Smile and you’ll feel better’, but is it a permanent solution? Yes, I do still laugh at funny things, but I do wonder, once the laughter is gone, whats left?

Reality is a strange thing for sure. Say if you are debt free, then you travel the world. You buy what you want. But in the end, what is it for? Sure you get to boast that you have seen the Great Wall, or you have seen the Mona Lisa in person. So what? In the end, you’ll still end up sick feet under when your time comes. Why not just save the trouble and meet your maker today?

I have no dependents, unless you count my two cats, but if anything should happen to me, am sure they’ll be fine. You know how in TV shows, or even ‘experts’ will always say ‘It’s your life, but it’s their/his/her life too’, when it comes to considering ending your life. But, if you look at it another way, why not everyone you know get together and just end this ‘life test’. That way, nobody would be grieving. And logically, as per religion beliefs, all suffering would end.

No, am not going to take my own life. But I would like to be able to feel a sense of purpose again. Some desire to make something out of this life. Am turning 36 this year, 4 more years to 40, and it’s suppose to be my prime?

I used to have dreams of travelling to certain places, accomplish goals, but it’s all an empty void. It’s more like just a routine, wake up, go work, go home, take pay, spend pay, repeat.

In a way, I suppose it’a good sign, if I just spend my whole day at home doing nothing, I do have that feeling of I just wasted the entire day, I should do something about it. But when I do act on that, it doesn’t take long for me to sink back into my cave.

Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything will be fine. But then I start to think, if everything was fixed, then it’s a vicious cycle again of waiting for death to come strike his cleaver.

No idea if this post makes sense, basically it’s just what’s in my head. Who knows someone might read it, maybe nobody reads it, but does feel somewhat nice to just spill it out without being judged on the spot.

April 14, 2014

If religion is the truth…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:16 am by alextrg

You know what most religions believe, that when you die, all your sickness and flaws will be no more.

I do wonder if it applies if your fat, you’ll be muscular?

Jokes aside, so if it cures all my illness.

By right, anyone would be doing those in the hospital a favour by ending their lives no?

A blind person will be able to see.

A wheelchair bound person will be able to walk.

So why prolong the suffering? Might as well just dump this miserable life and live a perfect life. And that person should go to heaven coz he/she didn’t take his own life.

Then again, people will say, oh but that’s not God’s plan, it’s not the persons time, it’s a hurdle in life.

We die, they say coz it’s time.

We suffer, they say it’s a test.

To me, it’s all just some lunatic in the past who managed to convince people that it’s all fate, and there is a time for everything.

Hogwash.

April 10, 2014

Dealing with the passing on of a family member…

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:35 am by alextrg

I’m still not over with my mums’ passing 4 years ago (still feels like yesterday).

And now dad has decided to go find mum.

Doctor suspected it’s there was a blockage in his intenstinal tract. Apparently because his had his appendiks removed, the surgery may have caused an infection to slowly develop over the years.

On 30th March, received a text message from my sis that she decided to place dad in the hospital as he has been having fever for the past two days and it hasn’t subsided. I didn’t see the message until later at night. I texted back asking how was his condition(I should have called, why didn’t I call?). No reply. Only saw her reply next morning(she messaged back 12am) that dad was still in the hospital and the doctors had taken blood samples for analysis.

Went to work. I don’t know why but I felt a bit uneasy knowing my dad was in the hospital and here I was at work. He is 75 this year. Physically fit, as the doctors tell us, he is physically fit as can be, just his memory is gone.

Around 3pm, got a brief message from sis ‘Come to hospital after work’. My gut feeling went south from then onwards.

Thoughts were running through my head. Did something bad happen? Why did she just text me such a short message? Should I call? Should I just take emergency leave and go over there and then?

I don’t know why, but maybe coz I was afraid of the worst, I decided to do as my sis requested, go over after work.

Reached Hospital Kuala Lumpur just after 7pm. If you have never been to Hospital Kuala Lumpur, please check google map for the layout of the area as it is very big, and somewhat confusing.

When I got to dads’ bed, he was hooked up to a defibrilator, had drips on. Sis was holding on to his hand. It did not look good at all. Her eyes were swollen from crying.

His condition got worse after lunch, when his vitals started to get bad. X-ray showed that he had a black patch of something on his left side near the intenstinal tract. They had put a tube in to drain the fluid, filled up one bag immediately, and then they took that for analysis and place a new bag. When I got there, the fluid had slowed down flowing through the tube. But he was having difficulty breathing, and his heartbeat was at 140+.

Took over sis and held dads’ hand. It was cold. From the IV drip. Sis went and made some phone calls.

It was a first for me, watching someone you love in pain. Did not help because he was already dillusional. He kept mumbling but I couldn’t make out what it was (Later on I found out my sis said she asked him and he said he was talking to Jesus Christ , I will just take her word for it).

When sis came back, I decided to call up a friend whos’ dad was also there in anothe ward. Dropped by and had a brief chat.

Around 10.20pm, me and sis left the hospital. At this time, dads’ breathing was calmer, and his hearbeat was normal, but his blood pressure was a bit on the low side. Plan was sis would sent me home first, and she would go back shower and then come and stay the night at the hospital with dad. On our way home, around 10.50pm, the hospital called, saying dad was critical and would like us to come back. That is a call nobody wants to get. Texted 2nd sis to let her know, she got just back from Australia.

When we arrived at the hospital, dad was no longer breathing.

I didn’t know how to react.

Called up 2nd sis to let her know.

That was it, mom and dad are together now, as any religion would say, and he now remembers everything. Is it true? Nobody knows.

It still lingers bout the time when I held dads’ hands.

It still ingers bout the last time my mum hugged me at the airport and said ‘If I start to become like your dad , let me know’.

How does one deal with this? It some ways, it feels like a link has been severed.

Why didn’t I head straight to the hospital when I got the message. WHY!

Don’t get me wrong, but I honestly despise funeral proceedings… All that singing bout the lord and how the deceased is now in a better place… I really want to believe it in. But I can’t. If there was really a God, then why is it that in hospitals we have patients who are in vegetative state, family members not knowing what to do. Oh yeah, it’s a life challenge to make us stronger. Bullshit!

What’s ironic is that dad passed away on the eve of April Fools day. His wake was on April Fools day. Not going to be easy to forget now is it.

He was cremated the next morning.

We didn’t do this when my mum was cremated, but, this time round, the son is to pick the bone pieces first to put in the urn, followed by eldest sis, and second sis.

If your not aware, cremation process will not make the deceased into ashes, it is usually grinded later.

It felt a bit strange watching the man pound my dads’ bone into ashes. His bones’ indicated a healthy person, said the guy.

We placed dads’ urn in Taiping at Prestavest Memorial(came up to around Rm 3,000) , as his sister proposed that place.

This was on Saturday, April 5th.

I think coz I wasn’t calm inside, I got easily agitated over small matters.

We spent one day in Taiping, and only came back to KL on Sunday.

Monday went to the government office to settle dads’ pension.

Later, sis found out that there is a thing called Bantuan Jenazah for government employees who have retired. And it’s Rm 3,000. Not a small sum. Why didn’t the government staff ask/inform us about this when we informed them dad had passed away, is another Malaysian Mystery.

Dad’s funeral came up to about Rm 8,000 at Gui Yuan Crematorium(Jalan 229) . And that’s the very basic ‘package'(rental for the room for the wake, casket, snacks, embalming).

On April 7th, sis had a dream, apparently dad is not happy where he is now. And then sis spoke to someone, and in some religions, the 7th day is a crucial day.

So, from what I know now, sis will be going back to Taiping tomorrow to take dads’ urn back.

Not sure where she will keep dads’ urn until she gets a sign from dad on what to do with his remains.

So it’s not over yet.

I feel like a complete mess.

Uncle said I’m too emotional, I wanted to lash back at him ‘You think I want to be?’

Yes, I know everyone goes through this, but how does one cope with it?

Even now…

January 30, 2013

Hometown?

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:50 am by alextrg

Every time Chinese New Year comes around, we always ask our chinese friends/colleagues ‘Going back hometown?’ or ‘Not going back hometown?’

For me, ‘hometown’ doesn’t really have the same meaning anymore. Sure, the house I spent half my childhood is still under my family ownership. But it’s vacant now.

My eldest sis has found her love in Sabah apparently, and she got a one way ticket to Sabah.

So basically, the family, is somewhat no more.

My dad, has no idea who we are.

So what’s Chinese New Year then?

Ever felt so lonely that you just feel so lost?

October 4, 2012

Another year

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:52 am by alextrg

I miss how things were.

July 31, 2012

Been a while

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:53 am by alextrg

It’s been a while since I visited this space.

A lot of things have happened.

Job change. Car accident. Knee injury. Pick pocketed.

Still waiting for that white light to come shining down.

Attended a web development training last week.

In some ways, it has sparked an interest. As in honestly, with all the tools available to web developers now, it dumbfounds me as to how the quality of web developers are nowadays. Don’t get me wrong here. I did web development back in the days when there was no .Net. Days of pure HTML. And back then, we were more focused on getting the information across instead of flooding the user screen with fancy images and animations.

Work will require me to apply .Net to an upcoming project. So in some ways, my skillset will be somewhat the rare type, ie midrange server and web application. Let’s just hope Microsoft doesn’t dump .Net and come up with something new again.

My new job, honeslty, nothing to complain about. Pay is good. Benefits is ok. Office is just beside Pavillion, although we might be shifting in one or two years time to Ampang. Which could be god or bad.

My property hunt so far has been zero. One is the price, the other being the location.

The place I am renting now is somewhat old, and thus the kitchen main pipe just started to leak. Which got me thinking, if I do buy an existing property, and it is old, I am going to have to fork out the maintenance costs. But if I buy a new one, who says there won’t be any repair works anyway?

Renting may or may not be a good thing from this point of perspective.

Time to get back to work.

November 18, 2011

CP22A Income Tax Malaysia

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:45 am by alextrg

Figure I put this up for other people if they need to submit this form.

When you leave an employment, the employer is suppose to issue a CP22A form to you for submission to income tax. This CP22A is to inform the income tax department about you leaving the current employment.

Please bring along you income tax related documents, especially EA form for past 7 years.

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