January 25, 2011

What’s the point?

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:02 pm by alextrg

Really, what’s the point of being nice to people, when you get slammed back so hard you just wonder what’s the point of putting so much effort into it?

As I grow older, I kinda notice that I am starting to turn more into my dad, temper wise that is.



January 11, 2011

Emotional day…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:17 pm by alextrg

This morning drive to work was a wreck.

Couldn’t get myself to hold anything in.

Dropped car off at the service centre, walked to the office.. Fine at first, then it went downhill as I approached the office. Probably looked like I had a very bad eye allergy and flu or something.

Work. I think the vendor doing our system upgrade has got no experience in doing this.

I am going to have to breathe down their necks during for the next one month. Their approach is somewhat, not-reducing-human-errors-but-actually-inducing-human-errors-kinda-migration-when-all-they-need-is-their-developer-to-write-a-script.

Tomorrow morning it’s gym time again. 6.30am routine. Not sure how long I can keep this up. Better than nothing.

January 10, 2011

One year has passed…. almost..

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:29 pm by alextrg

It’s almost one year since my mom passed away. Last night had dinner with my uncles, aunty and family.

Dad doesn’t know who I am anymore. He doesn’t recognize my sisters, not really anyway(he has gotten them mixed up before). I doubt anybody knows what my dad is thinking.

The way he calls my niece, Abigail, ‘girl’, sounds like the way he would call my sisters when they were younger.

My uncle asked my sister if Abigail asks about my mom. My sis reply was ‘Sometimes she will just start crying, and when I ask her why is she crying, her reply would be I dunno‘ My sis reasoning is that my niece does remember my mom from time to time. And what my sis said then is true, ‘she is like us, when we remember we get sad’.

The past year hasn’t been an easy ride. I still wake up on certain days, thinking it was just a bad dream. That it wasn’t real. That when my phone rings, I’ll get to hear my mom’s voice again. I miss her so much.

I don’t know how some people can just move on with their lives. Or do they keep it behind closed doors?

Perhaps it’s because I’m not a religious person? That my inner strength isn’t as strong? Maybe it is. But that is how I am.

In some ways, I actually agree with my dad’s sentiments about God being unfair by taking her away (even though when my dad said that at my mom’s funeral, in his mind, it was my grandmother’s funeral). But everyone would say that’s wrong of me. Coz the Almighty is fair and loving. And the next person to utter these words to me ‘God chose to take her because he wanted her close to him’, I will literally beat the person up.

On my drive home from work today, everything was fine until the radio started playing ‘One Sweet Day’ and I just couldn’t hold it in. The jam didn’t help, coz it took me almost 30 minutes from that point to get home.

In some ways, I hate my eldest sister for choosing the song Your Raise Me Up by Josh Groban for us to sing just before we took my mom’s ashes to scatter in the river. But in some ways, that song will always have a special meaning in my heart. The strange coincidence is that that song was also the cool down track played by Wes Carter when I attended my last Body Pump class at Fitness First Axis before I joined True Fitness as a GXI. Two times in my life this song has come into the picture at significant moments in my life.

I had my evening planned out. But right now. I just suddenly feel like not moving at all. Stare at the blank wall.

Contemplating on taking leave on my mom’s death anniversary. Haven’t decided.

Will I be fine on the actual day? I do not know.

I need a reset button.