May 21, 2014

Void…

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:01 am by alextrg

Ever feel like as the days go by your just sinking deeper into some dark hole…

May 14, 2014

When the mind is idle…

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:28 am by alextrg

You start to ponder about things you shouldn’t.

It’s somewhat scary when you realize that if one day, you’ve caught some health threatening disease that is curable, but would decline any treatment, and just let nature take its course.

Seriously, I can’t find any real goal in life right now.

Actually ended up making pancakes for no apparent reason just so that my mind would stop wandering off.

May 9, 2014

Getting a grip of yourself.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:44 am by alextrg

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been somewhat quite emotional. Why am I like that? I wish I knew, and I wish people who aren’t would stop saying I shouldn’t be. 

In fact, I wish I was as calm and collected as everyone portrays themselves to be.

Whether or not it’s pretend, and they simply break down behind closed doors, who am I to judge them for telling me off.

Sis texted me this morning “A moment of thought on dad’s 75th bday.”

She also texted me on mom’s death anniversary.

She never did previously. Am not going to start doing 101 on her and find out why. 

Big sis has taken dads’ urn out from the memorial park, and dad is currently at big sis place. Am guessing she didn’t inform dad’s sis to avoid a confrontation.

Last night, I actually forgot that today is dad’s birthday, until my Google reminder beeped. Some bastard son I am. 

I did remember that is was coming, but somehow it slipped my mind yesterday.

He would be 75.

Bus ride this morning was probably awkward to the lady beside me as I was tearing up pretty much most of the way, fell asleep, and actually overshot my stop, which was the last stop, and the driver didn’t even notice(was somewhat not in his line of sight, no idea where the conductor went).

Right now, my tear ducts are dry. Literally.

Anyway, was watching Grey’s Anatomy, and it’s where Meredith decided to get her genome markers mapped so that she can find out if she has a risk of getting Alzheimer like her mom. And she does, which leads to her making future plans on what should be done the minute she forgets where she put her keys.

Somewhat makes me wonder about myself, would it be fair to those around me to keep me alive if I can’t even remember their names or who they are? Meredith plan was to receive a lethal dose of injection as she doesn’t want her daughter to go through what she went through. Is it selfish? I don’t know.

But if you follow what religion says, might as well right? Since all sickness is supposed to be cured. Wouldn’t that be a better option?

You know what’s ironic? If a person dies in a car crash, or natural causes, religious people always say ‘Oh God has plans’, but what if a person commits suicide? Is that also Gods’ plan? Or if a child is brutally murdered, some plan eh?

Then again, the argument of God works in mysterious ways. Yeah right.

I’m still not able to pull myself together completely. Things just feel like a mess inside. Day in day out, I just live life on now without a purpose or goal.  

Actually contemplating on giving my resignation letter, drop everything and just go somewhere secluded.

May 5, 2014

Avoiding reality

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:04 am by alextrg

2014 is one of those years where it’s going to be memorable in a way, and yet, somehow I wish it didn’t happen.

Has been a month since dad crossed over to the other side.

Have not had any emotional storms, but am somewhat more easily agitated by stupid little things. Could it be my subconscious holding things up? Who knows.

Downloaded Grey’s Anatomy and just finished re-watching season 1 of the series. It’s a bit awkward to see it all from the start again, the characters are just so ‘green’. Probably not the best TV show to watch considering I’m still grieving over my dad(If you haven’t watched the series before, patients do die in the show, quite common in 90% series that revolve around the lives of doctors).

Main character Meredith mum has advanced Alzheimer disease, and basically, when her mum found out, she didn’t want to let people know about it. So Meredith has been telling people that her mum was writing a book and travelling, when her mum was actually in a nursing home.

I never told people about my dads’ condition unless people asked about it. I never told my friends when my mum passed away. Neither did I tell my friends when my dad passed away. Only told one friend, and that was because her dad was in the same hospital as my dad when my dad was admitted, and ironically she was my last friend that saw my dad before he passed on.

I used to tell myself that being the youngest, I need to be prepared to take over caring for my mom/dad should anything happen to my two sisters. In a way, I would say it’s what any child would do for their parents. Although I will say it now that I have not really done much. Especially after my mum passed away, and my dads’ memory problem was already so bad that he doesn’t recognize me anymore, I felt helpless whenever I was around him. In the beginning, it was sometimes funny when you end up repeating the same thing again and again to him because he would forget what you said in a few minutes. Yet, he can still remember things from his younger days. ‘Experts’ or help books will say just be there for him, he will know. Did my dad ever know how much my mom still loved him even though he no longer could remember who she was? Nobody knows.

In Gray’s Anatomy, there was a scene where Meredith said ‘She doesn’t even recognize me anymore’, and the nursing home lady said ‘Well tonight she did, and she was asking where her daughter Meredith was’. Makes me wonder if my dad ever had that moment about myself and my sisters, or even my mom.

My last name is Theam, and only people to call me that was my mom and dad. I miss hearing that. Still remember my mum hugging me at the airport for one last time. Dad stopped calling me Theam ages ago, but I can still remember what it sounds like. And my last memory of my dad is holding his hand in the hospital, probably not knowing it was me.

I’ve literally cut myself off from friends, colleagues. If I could I would just crawl into a cave and never come out.

I avoid conversations that involve parents, or family, if possible.

I avoid situations where I might end up having to answer questions bout what happened. Or the common ‘Your not going back to your home town this year?’ crap. Still trying to come to terms that I officially do not have a permanent home anymore. The idea of going back to take a look at the house is lingering, but there is a fear that I’ll lose it.

With all these going on, doesn’t help with the fact that my big boss has resigned, and my immediate boss could follow suit. So, my personal life is currently in pretend mode somewhat, and I have a career that could flip 180 to who knows what.

Really just wonder what is the point of it all. Why do we work? Whats the point of it all? Everyday we wake up, do the usual, go to work, go back, sleep, repeat. Some would say ‘Oh cherish this that bla bla bla’, but if you don’t, or if you do, does it make a difference? The saying ‘Smile and you’ll feel better’, but is it a permanent solution? Yes, I do still laugh at funny things, but I do wonder, once the laughter is gone, whats left?

Reality is a strange thing for sure. Say if you are debt free, then you travel the world. You buy what you want. But in the end, what is it for? Sure you get to boast that you have seen the Great Wall, or you have seen the Mona Lisa in person. So what? In the end, you’ll still end up sick feet under when your time comes. Why not just save the trouble and meet your maker today?

I have no dependents, unless you count my two cats, but if anything should happen to me, am sure they’ll be fine. You know how in TV shows, or even ‘experts’ will always say ‘It’s your life, but it’s their/his/her life too’, when it comes to considering ending your life. But, if you look at it another way, why not everyone you know get together and just end this ‘life test’. That way, nobody would be grieving. And logically, as per religion beliefs, all suffering would end.

No, am not going to take my own life. But I would like to be able to feel a sense of purpose again. Some desire to make something out of this life. Am turning 36 this year, 4 more years to 40, and it’s suppose to be my prime?

I used to have dreams of travelling to certain places, accomplish goals, but it’s all an empty void. It’s more like just a routine, wake up, go work, go home, take pay, spend pay, repeat.

In a way, I suppose it’a good sign, if I just spend my whole day at home doing nothing, I do have that feeling of I just wasted the entire day, I should do something about it. But when I do act on that, it doesn’t take long for me to sink back into my cave.

Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and everything will be fine. But then I start to think, if everything was fixed, then it’s a vicious cycle again of waiting for death to come strike his cleaver.

No idea if this post makes sense, basically it’s just what’s in my head. Who knows someone might read it, maybe nobody reads it, but does feel somewhat nice to just spill it out without being judged on the spot.