May 9, 2014

Getting a grip of yourself.

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:44 am by alextrg

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been somewhat quite emotional. Why am I like that? I wish I knew, and I wish people who aren’t would stop saying I shouldn’t be. 

In fact, I wish I was as calm and collected as everyone portrays themselves to be.

Whether or not it’s pretend, and they simply break down behind closed doors, who am I to judge them for telling me off.

Sis texted me this morning “A moment of thought on dad’s 75th bday.”

She also texted me on mom’s death anniversary.

She never did previously. Am not going to start doing 101 on her and find out why. 

Big sis has taken dads’ urn out from the memorial park, and dad is currently at big sis place. Am guessing she didn’t inform dad’s sis to avoid a confrontation.

Last night, I actually forgot that today is dad’s birthday, until my Google reminder beeped. Some bastard son I am. 

I did remember that is was coming, but somehow it slipped my mind yesterday.

He would be 75.

Bus ride this morning was probably awkward to the lady beside me as I was tearing up pretty much most of the way, fell asleep, and actually overshot my stop, which was the last stop, and the driver didn’t even notice(was somewhat not in his line of sight, no idea where the conductor went).

Right now, my tear ducts are dry. Literally.

Anyway, was watching Grey’s Anatomy, and it’s where Meredith decided to get her genome markers mapped so that she can find out if she has a risk of getting Alzheimer like her mom. And she does, which leads to her making future plans on what should be done the minute she forgets where she put her keys.

Somewhat makes me wonder about myself, would it be fair to those around me to keep me alive if I can’t even remember their names or who they are? Meredith plan was to receive a lethal dose of injection as she doesn’t want her daughter to go through what she went through. Is it selfish? I don’t know.

But if you follow what religion says, might as well right? Since all sickness is supposed to be cured. Wouldn’t that be a better option?

You know what’s ironic? If a person dies in a car crash, or natural causes, religious people always say ‘Oh God has plans’, but what if a person commits suicide? Is that also Gods’ plan? Or if a child is brutally murdered, some plan eh?

Then again, the argument of God works in mysterious ways. Yeah right.

I’m still not able to pull myself together completely. Things just feel like a mess inside. Day in day out, I just live life on now without a purpose or goal.  

Actually contemplating on giving my resignation letter, drop everything and just go somewhere secluded.


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