November 14, 2011

Visiting Dad

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:13 am by alextrg

Went to the old folks home with Ann and Abigail…

Dad does not remember Ann, rather to him, she is his mom..

Abigail is his daughter…

I am.. a stranger…

Not sure who is Alix to him…

The manager at the centre says my dad is able to give good advice… My dad thinks she is his friends daughter…

At least his long term memory is still intact…

He looks happier… In a way, there is always someone there to talk to him, care for him…

Apparently the medication given to my dad was not the correct meds, ie it’s not working for him. They have already stopped giving him one of the meds…

He has in the middle of the night left his own bed, and walked to go sleep in another bed…

Apparently he also had tried to leave the centre, thinking that my sister’s house is beside the centre, wanting to go ‘home’…

Celebrated my bday sick in bed from food poisoning…

New job starting on Monday…

Don’t really know what I am doing anymore to be frank…

Mom’s bday is coming up soon… Her death anniversary is coming up soon…

When will it be ‘time heals’ for me?

 

 

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November 5, 2011

Letting go

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:47 am by alextrg

It’s coming to the 2 year mark when my life changed.

Yesterday I went in to work not feeling too good, ended up going to the clinic to find out my temperature was 100 and I was diagnosed with virus in the stomach(otherwords, food poisoning).

At the same time, my colleague got news that her younger brother had passed away in an accident.

On her FB wall, you see her friends/relatives telling her it’s alright, God loved him more, that’s why he is with God now.

Honestly, I still think that is all a bucket load of shitload.

My sisters have decided to place my dad in an old folks home. In a way I knew this day would come some day. Just didn’t know when.

He doesn’t remember who any of us are anymore. He does call my niece ‘girl’, which doesn’t indicate to us who is she to him.

So here I am, feeling sick. And at the same time wondering about life.

May 28, 2011

MIssing my mum so much, I feel hopeless…

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:23 am by alextrg

It’s been two years….

Yet why does it still hurt so much…

I keep it all in as people around me tell me to grow up. Learn to live with it. It’s life.

But I can’t.

My dad doesn’t remember who I am anymore.

I no longer get called son.. or ‘theam’ as my mum used to call me. I miss her voice. I miss my dad.

I miss her so much. I miss my dad so much.

If God is fair, why does he do this.

 

January 25, 2011

What’s the point?

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:02 pm by alextrg

Really, what’s the point of being nice to people, when you get slammed back so hard you just wonder what’s the point of putting so much effort into it?

As I grow older, I kinda notice that I am starting to turn more into my dad, temper wise that is.

 

January 11, 2011

Emotional day…

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:17 pm by alextrg

This morning drive to work was a wreck.

Couldn’t get myself to hold anything in.

Dropped car off at the service centre, walked to the office.. Fine at first, then it went downhill as I approached the office. Probably looked like I had a very bad eye allergy and flu or something.

Work. I think the vendor doing our system upgrade has got no experience in doing this.

I am going to have to breathe down their necks during for the next one month. Their approach is somewhat, not-reducing-human-errors-but-actually-inducing-human-errors-kinda-migration-when-all-they-need-is-their-developer-to-write-a-script.

Tomorrow morning it’s gym time again. 6.30am routine. Not sure how long I can keep this up. Better than nothing.

January 10, 2011

One year has passed…. almost..

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:29 pm by alextrg

It’s almost one year since my mom passed away. Last night had dinner with my uncles, aunty and family.

Dad doesn’t know who I am anymore. He doesn’t recognize my sisters, not really anyway(he has gotten them mixed up before). I doubt anybody knows what my dad is thinking.

The way he calls my niece, Abigail, ‘girl’, sounds like the way he would call my sisters when they were younger.

My uncle asked my sister if Abigail asks about my mom. My sis reply was ‘Sometimes she will just start crying, and when I ask her why is she crying, her reply would be I dunno‘ My sis reasoning is that my niece does remember my mom from time to time. And what my sis said then is true, ‘she is like us, when we remember we get sad’.

The past year hasn’t been an easy ride. I still wake up on certain days, thinking it was just a bad dream. That it wasn’t real. That when my phone rings, I’ll get to hear my mom’s voice again. I miss her so much.

I don’t know how some people can just move on with their lives. Or do they keep it behind closed doors?

Perhaps it’s because I’m not a religious person? That my inner strength isn’t as strong? Maybe it is. But that is how I am.

In some ways, I actually agree with my dad’s sentiments about God being unfair by taking her away (even though when my dad said that at my mom’s funeral, in his mind, it was my grandmother’s funeral). But everyone would say that’s wrong of me. Coz the Almighty is fair and loving. And the next person to utter these words to me ‘God chose to take her because he wanted her close to him’, I will literally beat the person up.

On my drive home from work today, everything was fine until the radio started playing ‘One Sweet Day’ and I just couldn’t hold it in. The jam didn’t help, coz it took me almost 30 minutes from that point to get home.

In some ways, I hate my eldest sister for choosing the song Your Raise Me Up by Josh Groban for us to sing just before we took my mom’s ashes to scatter in the river. But in some ways, that song will always have a special meaning in my heart. The strange coincidence is that that song was also the cool down track played by Wes Carter when I attended my last Body Pump class at Fitness First Axis before I joined True Fitness as a GXI. Two times in my life this song has come into the picture at significant moments in my life.

I had my evening planned out. But right now. I just suddenly feel like not moving at all. Stare at the blank wall.

Contemplating on taking leave on my mom’s death anniversary. Haven’t decided.

Will I be fine on the actual day? I do not know.

I need a reset button.

 

 

 

 

October 9, 2010

Am I pretending?

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:32 pm by alextrg

Yes, I am. Pretending that I feel fine. When in actual fact it still hurts a lot deep down inside.

A few weeks back celebrated my eldest sisters’ birthday. In a way I am glad she is now back to work in the hotel industry.

Dads’ memory isn’t getting any better. Apparently he has already gotten my sisters names mixed up.

I am not exactly who am I to my dad, as the only question he asked me was where am I staying.

We had our dinner at a Thai place in Taipan.

As we were walking from the car to the restaurant, could see my dad struggling to go up the stairs, or even simply going up the curb. Felt completely helpless.

My niece has gotten a bit more chatty. She proudly showed me her new dress she got recently.

Am not sure how my eldest sis is coping with things to be honest. Whether or not the both of them have come to terms with what has happened.

I on the other hand have not.

In a few weeks time will be my birthday, in December my moms’ birthday and Christmas… all for the first time without my mom around… Every year, without fail, my mom would call me to wish me happy birthday. And for her birthday I would call home to wish her happy birthday in December.

I would be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt like someone took a knife and stabbed me in the heart.

How does one cope with emotions so deep?

All that aside, I also have to deal with work, which can get overwhelming at times. Mostly because as usual I am picking up after someone’s mess. So far have somewhat completed one major module, which also cost me a Sunday off. Perhaps thats why I am now so damn freaking tired.

Started my Masters with FTMS College, a bit of unexpected turn of events for this… in the whole class of around 10 students, I am the only one with working IT experience. One of them has a Diploma in IT. The rest, zero IT knowledge, and zero IT qualification. This is going to be one bumpy ride, both for them and for me as there are group assignments to be completed. A bit of a challenge with my lecturers as they are from India and they have a slightly heavier than usual Indian accent that I am used to. And the other students are mainly from Nigeria, that also makes me understanding them talking to the lecturer a bit of a task.

Whatever the case, I am targeting to complete my Masters by September 2010, hopefully I will be able to bring my dad to my graduation. We have the option to do our graduation either locally or we can fly to the University campus in UK for it. Plan to start saving up for the flight ticket.

Not sure if it’s because I am stressed, or because I am tired, but I have begun snoring. How do I know? I wake up with a super dry throat, which only happens when I snore. Not sure how loud, but I know it’s there.

Contemplating on going away for a weekend. Not sure if it’ll do me any good.

 

 

 

July 20, 2010

2007-07-20

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:33 am by alextrg

Will be starting a new job come August 16th. Last day at current company is 9th August.  One week break.

Not really sure what I want to do with that one week.

Part of me wants to just get away from everything, find some alone time.

Have a car loan under my name, finally.

Keeping yourself occupied sure makes months fly by… It has been 6 months since mom passed away…

As the year comes closer to the end… start to wonder about my birthday and Christmas…

Still remember when I was really young, mom made a simple butter cake and had butter cream frosting on it. First time I had it then, she didn’t use castor sugar, but just plain granulated sugar, so you can imagine the frosting was quite crunchy 🙂 Nevertheless enjoyed it a lot back then since I was a kid, and which kid doesn’t like sweet stuff? Actually used to have just slices of bread spread with margerine(didn’t know back then what I know now about margerine) and just sprinkle sugar on it. Amazing that I still have my teeth.

A lot of things going on in my life… some good, some not so good…

Let’s hope the good ones will prevail over the not so good…

June 7, 2010

Putting One Foot Forward One Step A Day

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:45 am by alextrg

After a weekend that I wish wasn’t so unpleasant.

Woke up this morning, told myself to pull myself together and just move on.

Life is never perfect no matter how hard we wish it to be.

Nobody can be 100% satisified with what they have. And if anyone tells you that, they are lying. The only way you can be 100% satisifed is if your brain is a computer chip.

Signed up for the Standard Chartered 21km run. Giving me 3 weeks to train for it. Tonight will be the first run. Mission. Threadmill running speed 8.0 for 30 minutes to begin with. Persuaded housemate to come along for the run. Pretty sure I’m going to see a lot of gym people at the run, although not sure how many are going for the 21km or the 42km. I know most are doing the 10km.

Last 21km I did was the Penang bridge run.

Mom, this run is for you.

May 31, 2010

Walls come tumbling down.

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:49 pm by alextrg

Feel uncertain if I am to let myself ‘free’, or to keep it in.

I know I’m not the first person in this world to go through what I have. People will tell you “I’ve been through it, just let it go.”

But how does one let go, when a simple thing as lyrics to a song can bring tears.

Good night world.

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